Life is Scumbag
by extremely cool 7
Summary: Max Scumbagfield is back in the town, yo. The crazy stuff happens and she meets weird people. I don't know what am I doing with this, but neither does Max.
1. Excuse yourself

**Yes, it's a parody and it is supposed to be funny or something. Meet Max Scumbagfield !**

* * *

It was a one really really nice day in Arcadia Bay. There was even sun up on the sky, shining. Max was 'whatever guess who cares not me lololol' until she realized that she's a photographer. And what do photographers do? Take photos. When? All the time you scrub. But it was nice.

A girl named Maxine Caulfield sat in her seat. Why did her stupid parents had to name her Maxine!? She was always Max, never Maxine!

A hot teacher was opening his mouth, to say words you perv. But Max was a rebel that didn't listen.

She was bored.

"Oh, I can take a selfie!" She happily thought to herself.

Her pale arms took the dumb camera that was probably created back when Hitler had enough of all the drama bullshit and decided to cut the crap by visiting the other side. Probably hell, but Max didn't judge anyone. No.

She made the most fugliest face, like ever, but pressed the button nonetheless.

Flash flashflash.

Everyone looked at her.

Max felt embarrassed. A bit, you know.

Mr. Jefferson immediately took a chance to look at her, again, because he was a perverted jerk who liked looking at younger girls and tell them that they have gift. (Max had the best gift!)

"HahyouwerentpayingattentionsonowImgonnaaskyouwhomadethefirstselfietrashever?" He was smirking.

"Wow, so much evil." Max thought. Then the skunk Victoria answered the question before she could.

"I can't even" She thought again. She was smart. She was always thinking.

"Yo runt, no one asked you anything. Don't you know anything about manners!?" Victoria blushed. Embarrassed.

Mr. Jefferson nodded in agreement. Max felt proud because Victoria just got rekt.

"T-That's stupid c-coming from you!" That girl didn't even have a proper comeback. Max pitied her poor ass, which was actually flat tho.

"BZZZZZZZRBBBBRBRBRRB HURRY UP MOTHERF #$/^÷" Yelled the bell calmly.

The whole class said at the same time "K den."

Max was a snoopy bitch so she decided to look at every stupid useless as hell garbage in the classrom.

"Sup, K8?" Max put her "ready for the mosh pit, shaka brah" look. Kate looked at her blue eyes.

"Oh, Max. Hi! I'm not really doing that well because Victoria and her friends just threw a piece of paper to me insulting me, and a video was posted online about me making out with everyone because I was drugged and I can barely remember anything an-" Ugh, Maxaroni cut her off.

"Kate, Kate, Kate! All you ever think is about yourself! Call me when you stop being a selfish ass. Bai." She rolled her eyes and left the classrom. But Jeffersonofabish stopped her.

He really was thirsty.

"What is it now, nerd?" He looked surprised at her words. But that sadly didn't stop him from talking to her, geez.

"Oh. Max. You're gonna enter the Everday's Hero contest, riiiiiiighrightpls?" This guy was obsessed af. She wondered for a second what his fetish could be.

"Idk man. I've got people to do, places to be, stuff to see. I'm busy, gosh, you're just making me even more anxious!" He felt bad for saying that. Max was glad.

"Alright, alright. I won't push you, but what I am saying is that you've go-" She knew him so well.

"Yeah yeah, I have a gift. Now shut up, okay? I'll let you know the next time I want to hear your voice, I dunno whether it will be moaning or you screaming because, man, I'mma cut your throat, k?"

"E-Excuse me?" He was le shocked.

"Yes, excuse yourself." She did an extremely cool (see what I did there? Yeah, not you.) hairflip as she finally left the pit of hipsters.

She put her white as snow in December headphones in, blocking all those stupid opinions people were sharing with other mofos. She felt relieved. Yes.

Lana del Rey's song started playing, called Blue Jeans. Max felt like in a movie. The music was pleasing her hipster ears.

And she went to the bathroom..

* * *

 **Such a cliffhanger, amirite?**


	2. Swag Af

**Lmao this. I hope someone shares the same sesne of humor like me.**

* * *

Max entered the bathroom. She didn't smell any shit but that didn't mean there won't be any. Buuut she's not there for that, now, at least.

"I will loooove love you till the end of tiiiime~" She hit that dope note and turned off the music. It satisfied her hipster needs.

"Ahh.." She kinda moaned. Probably. Lana del Bae hit her right in the feels. Although she didn't love anyone.

She stood in front of the mirror and stared like she's just been blessed by Jaden Smith's inspirational tweets. What was life? Are mirrors real? Does black turn to gray or gray turns to black? Is air ugly?

So deep, man.

Max the Scumbag grabbed her old ass marker and wrote something on the mirror.

"One mirror ain't enough to show how ugly you are" It read. It was good.

She looked at a photo she took. It was showing her standing at some kind of a stone while her friends were down on the ground, bowing to her. Just like a real queen.

"This is some good shit right here. Jeff's depressing emo crap can't compare to my work." Then she saw a butterfly. A blue one.

She felt bad for it. It came to bathroom full of shit at the Blackhell of all the places. Like, are you serious rn?¿

But her inner 7 years old girl who thought the world was all bright and good and that she was the smartest person ever because she got an A in school and her parents praised her for it woke up.

She had to take a pic. Or a piss. Eh, both but whateva.

"Here comes the momma you lil' shit." Clickclikccleek.

Achievement unlocked. Photo that makes no sense accomplished. Great job! You get a big nothing. Yay.

Crack. Unfortunately it wasn't the real crack. The door opened.

"Ohmahgawd who could it be nooooow?" She muttered to herself.

It was Nathan Prescott. A rich boy. And an asshole, probably. Everyone was asshole to Max.

She didn't feel like talking to that Nazi garbage so she silently watched him like anims girls do when they can't even talk when their senpai comes by.

"You're the boss here, N8. You, you own this school.." Blahblahblah. Typicall junk.

Crack 2.0. Some chick came.

Long story short he shot her.

"U WOT M8!? I'MMA SAVE YOU MY GUUUUURL!" And with her right hand she did some magic.

(… $$.&.₩€€d…)

"Holy balls, what tf happened?" The brunette woke up or something. She was (HOLY SHIT AGAIN!?) in Mr. Jeff's class. He was saying the same shit like before!

"Omg I have rewind powers!" She grabbed her ugly camera and threw it at Victoria's face. Dayum, that was pretty hardcore tbh.

She rewound. Omg it was leik nothin happened! :o

"I have 2 save dat girl!" So she did the same crap like before and quickly went to the bathroom.

This time she wrote on the mirror "YO NATHAN DON'T SHOOT THE BLUE-HAIRED GIRL". Seems clever.

Then she took the stupid photo and waited till Nathan came.

"W..What the!? How…who..wh-when even.." So much confused.

Before he could do anything the girl came. They talked about drugs, money, and you know, the typical illegal stuff. .

"Eh, fuq this shit." Max grabbed some handsome hammer and broke the f out of some bell thing.

"WEEEEOOOOHWEEEEOHWEEEEROOOOOOH" The bell begged. So tragical. Max crid evri tiem.

"Man, I deserve an award, I'm too good for this world." Some older dude cut her off.

"What were you doing there, missy?" Such a private question, how dared he!?

"None of your business, Grandpa." She glared.

"Excuse me!? What di-" Some other older dude cut him off. What was with this school and cutting off people when they were talking?

"Mr. Madsen, that's enough. I'll have a talk with Miss Caulfield, here." That security guy glared back at her and left. She just gave him the finger. Lol.

"What were you doing in the bathroom, then, Maxine?" Dammit, she wanted to slap his disgusting face for calling her Maxine. He was soooo basic!

But she was too good to that. Sometimes she'd wonder why was her heart so pure.

"I took a dump, hehe." The Principal looked disgusted, shocked and surprised at the same moment. So funny!

"Uh..you could have expressed yourself much politer, Miss Caulfield." She tried to pretend that she actually cared.

But it was so hard. [ insert lenny face here ( ͡° ͜ʖ ~)

huehuehue ]

"Yeah, that's kewl. I'll go now, k?" She wanted to leave but he stopped her.

"Is there something strange you saw in the bathroom? You can tell me." She could tell that she saw how Asscott tried 2 kill a girl or lie.

"Nah. If there was something I'd share it w/ ya, bro." He looked like he was suspicous and didn't buy her lie but it was ok. Her skillz were better anyways.

"Alright then. Have a nice day, Maxine."

"Don't tell me what to do, moron." She sent him her usual evil and cold as iceberg that sank Titanic glare and left the damn school.

So much drama, so little time.

Wait. Max had a lot of time now! Mwuahahaha.

Nice.

* * *

 **Ugh guys sorry for all these cliffhangers. Dontnod should def give me a job**


	3. Smh, nerds

Max was outside now. The weather was nice. But it couldn't compare to Max's beauty.

There was fat ass skunk, apperantly a teacher, standing in front of school. She saw Max and immediately smiled.

"Can you please come over here, Max?" Oh holy balls. Nopenonononah. She was screwed. Eh.

"What is it now?" Her tone was pointed. Just what she was aiming for. Hopefully the bitch will get her message.

"Oh. I am sorry if I am bothering you," Max nodded. "Erm. But would you pretry please sign this petition about surveillance cameras? It is important and I don't think someone has the right to look at your privacy." Dear Lord, didn't that woman talk a lot. She'd do anything to shut her damn big mouth.

Yes or no? Yes or no? Hm, Max thought. Tbh she didn't want some old fags to look at what she is doing or whose room is she messing up.

So she had to sign that lame petition.

She got a message. From Warren. He needed his flash-drive. A selfish bastard.

She didn't want to be a thirsty duckface that immediately runs to someone so she decided to make fun of her classmates.

"Dis gun b gud." She muttered to herself in Snoop Dogg voice.

The first victim was poor nerd Daniel.

"Hey Max." He smiled. Ew.

"Ugh, hi fatass." Dayum, that hurt him.

"Do…do you maybe wanna be sketched by me? Now?" Hmm.

Max was suspicous.

"Well, okay when you're thirsty. At least you'll have something beautiful in your life, lmao." Her ass gently touched the green grass.

"Mhmm, so are you single?" He blushed. Poor dude.

"Y-Yeah. Why?"

"Just wondering. I have some friend that has a crush on you, like a big one. Bigger than you. So here call them sometime." She handed him a piece of paper. With a number. It was Warren's number. HAHAHAHA.

"Really?" She nodded.

"This is boring. Farewell, fried chicken." Caulfield left to look for her next victim.

She went to Ethan. Or Evan. Hell, she couldn't care less.

"Yo sup Adam." She exclaimed.

"My name is-"

"Whatcha got there, hm? Photos. I bet there are some fresh nudes there, amirite?" She wiggled her eyebrows.

"Wha-. No!" He blushed. Creep.

"Omg, you are like so weiiiiiird. Bai." She went to Brooke. A big nerd. Also pretty ugly. She had a crush on that weirdo Warren.

"Good evening, m'lady." The girl looked strange. Max was nice and this is what she gets!?

"Uh..hey Max." People here suck.

"Cool,cool. Can I take a look ur drone doe?" She wanted to punch someone with it and rewind.

"Um not really. You don't even know what drone is." Fookin bish. She's gonna pay for that tone.

"Whore, that Brooke my heart. Get it? A pun. But you still a whore tho." She grabbed forcefully her stupid drone and shoved it into her face. It broke her glasses. Oh, well.

"Lmao in yo face! Like literally, hahahaha!" Of course, she had to rewind. That was fun.

She then went to some sk8r bois. Wow, so much Avril Lavigne.

"Ayy y'all, suppa?" Max winked some cute boy. Just in case. The girl is single.

"Oy, Max, ready to trash, huh?" Justin's mouth said.

"I'mma trash yo basic ass, brah. Lemme see some nice tricks or shit." She wished she had her marijuana now.

Some fugly boy tried to do something ridiculous and failed. Lol. So ofc, Max the Scumbag took a photo of him, being in the pain and all,

"Am I Mr. Jeffy now?" Maybe this pic could make her win that cheap junk.

She sighed in a sign of a victory. All these losers, tsk tsk, man.

Now she had to go to her room to feed the poor child Graham. What a loser.

"SmoooOooke weeEed everyyy daaay~" And she left with Snoop Dogg's holy song.


	4. Smol but dank

**I won't be able to upload anything in a next few days bc I'll be busy so have this** ** _small_** **update. Enjoy my dank story, yo.**

Max got to her dorm. Girls' dorm but they were her bitches. She ruled.

There was Kate, probably thinking only about herself, but Max would give her an another chance, ok. Max felt better than the Queen B.

"Oh, Kate! How nice to see you! Your eyes look red. OMG. Why haven't you shared the weed with me!?1" Right in the feels. She thought they were friends or something like that. Hashtag ho stabbed me in my back

"Hey. What? I-I don't take drugs, Max! You know that!" Well she had a point. But maybe underneath her goody girl act was an emo rebel. Max would find out. Soon...ish..enough.

"I'll ignore that..this time. So...whatcha doin here, little girl?" What was with all these people and their strange expressions whenever Max said something cool? Huh, weird af.

"I'm just...Max, don't want to be offensive or rude, but, I need a little time for myself. Okay? We'll talk later." Wow straight up rude. Like, _says something offensive_ , _adds ''no offense''_. meme. What the hell.

 **"** Ugh, whatever you Marsh piece of shiiiet."


	5. Selfie fetish lvl over 9000

Y y y yo. Max Queen back. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me. Well, surprise mother{{insert beeping sound here}}!

After realizing, once again thou, K8 is a selfish little slut trap, Maxy decided to go back to her dorm. Styoopeed Warren.

Little did her white ass know, that there were some hoes chillin' rite there n HOLY MOTHER'S OLD SHIT weren't those gurls ugly.

"Back off, bitcheees." Scumbag face. Max. Caulfield. Standing

That bloody whore looked her like she was a maniac. (Such a silly thing to think, amirite bruh?)

"You're standing in front of the Queen B, dear Maxine. Find another way. F^/#(this is for u kids thank me later!) off now." Victoria's nonexistent ass sat back down. Magic.

Blood rised in Caulfield's veins. Pressure.

She ran straight to her, 1v1 fite rn no skrubs, and Vickyy looked scared.

She grabbed her slim throat and held her whole body up from the ground.

"Do you even lift, brooO!?" Max asked as 2 minions watched horrified their friend being strangled by a lunatic.

Victoria looked absolutely terrified. Heh.

"AnSwEr MY qUEstIoN, gOdAmmIt!" Le ded.

She killed her. Ooops. Then she rewound.

This was fun.

So after 356 rewound times, Max finally decided to stahp.

It was enough. For now.

One of her hands were bloody, prolly cuz she killed those runts once again.

"Good evening, Chasebitch. You have something on yo shirt, lemme get that for ya." Max brushed the fresh red blood off of her hand. It was pretty weird when u think about it, because it was actually Victoria's blood. Huh, science never fails to amaze lil Maxie.

"Wha- Are you fzcking insane, Caulfield!?" Le shocked. & disgusted.

"It's just some cheap ass paint, chill the fuuhk out, will ya?" She raised her eyebrow.

Eyebrow game waz too strong.

"God. Now get away, weirdo, before I call someone, ugh." Ok, M-a-x had no choice but to go find another way. **Because of the plot** game too strong. Dont nod.

She whistled. Boooooo ring tingirnf.

'Oh an unlockedroomthatbelongstothatoldlonecreepamazing!" Max said in one breath.

The dude sucked. She did not want to know what exactly.

There were some girlygirl scarfs.

"MmmHmmM." Maxine closed her ocean eyes and deeply, passionately inhaled the sweet old smell of unknown purple scarf.

"Some good ho it seems. Myb even that Amber sluttiest slut of all the sluttly slutty sluts. Slut. Spoiler alert : sHE'S SUCH A SLUT OMG." Max smh'd.

Tbh she did some boring stupid arse crap and in the end it made Victoria wet. No, not in that way you big just fed up by cookies from yo momma pervert.

Ew.

Then a paint fell onto VickyyBitchyy and man it wa S

Those two white coloured minions ran to get their dumb """"Queen"""""" a towel or some shit friends do. Max didnt know tbfh.

Maxxx (mhmm) went to her. Just because she could. Maybe even give her an autograph.

"Ayy lmao. I saw that the paint fell onto ur expensive shirt or whateva. That's bad…for YOU." Max giggled a bit. Victoria face look hurting.

"Ha-ha, funny. I get it. What's next you're gonna do? Take a photo of me?" Max must admit this girl had some pretty interesting ideas. Yesyes indeed.

"Hmm, no, of course not, my dear Vicky! I am really sorry for what just happened, such a tragic, sweetie." She hugged Victiria Chase. That was gonna give her AIDS.

Fml. :D

"You are so great, gorgeous, snart and important. You've got a gifz, Victoria. I love your hair and smile and sweet little ass and style. You didn't deserve any of this, my cinnamon roll. Too good, too pure for this horrific cruel dark fifty shades of gray world. DONT YOU EVER CHANGE VICTORIA CHASE." She tighter.

'T-Thank yo-" Lol no moron.

"HAHAHA JK. Nice one, riiiight? But first - lemme take a selfie!" Caulfield made a duckface and took a selfie of her and her new bff that was covered half in blood and paint and water.

B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. Juts brrathtaking. Shw gonna get so much likes for this.

"You're totally in a retro zone now. Sad face. Now go screw your selfie, ho." ITS GONNA BACKFIRE BABY BACKFIRE

KARMA

and

REWIND

alsosomejointandalcohol

Aaaand Max's livin da life.


End file.
